End Summer - Back to School

Wow. Last year. Scared shitless about it... but at the same time I am so happy that it's my last year. :) GRADUATION YEAH!!

So far the classes have been great and i am enjoying every moment of it. Lets just hope that this enthusiasm continues THROUGHOUT the year. But usually my "happiness level" about being in school dies down around end of October. We'll just have to make sure that it doesnt happen this year.

This year is going to be different from all the other years.
There are a lot of things i want to do this year, in addition to doing well in school that is.
I want to see all the Theatre shows from UBC students production and Music Concerts. I want to attend all the interesting seminars, go see Terry Talk (UBC version of TED Talk), .... etc. I just want to do EVERYTHING this year. making most of my last year in University.

Over the summer I've also picked up on a few things i would like to continue doing during the school year.
1. I've started to play piano again. It's great. Learning new pieces and practicing. Each new song learnt is an achievement.
2. I've started to read again, extra curricular books, that is. I remember how much I loved reading. School reading got in the way, cut down my reading time outside school, and eventually I stopped. My goal this year is to continue, no matter the school load.
3. and as you can see, I've started to write on my blogs again.

The "Dark Cloud" hovering over my final month of summer is slowly gliding away.
Many Thanks to Frank and Samantha, who's been there every step of the way. Not Judging, always encouraging, understanding, loving, and their possitive attitude regardless of the mistakes i made and my stupidity.
Thanks to Jocelyn and Jerrick and Tanja who have ALWAYS been there, All the important moments, listening to me, giving advice, supporting me from MILLIONS of miles away.  The distance means NOTHING when you have a friendship like ours.

This "Dark Cloud" had thunder, had lightning, had quiet rain, had a silent storm's eye, had forest fires and title waves. --there were casualties along the way, there are concequences, and left scars that are still healing.

I am hoping, some day in the near future, i will be able to talk about the contents of this "Dark Cloud". The "Dark Cloud" changed me. For those of you who had read "A Little More Me, A Little Less Me, Yet I am Still..." Post would have had a LITTLE taste of how confused i was at that point in my life. That particular mistake was only 1/4th of all that's going on in my life.

Many thanks to Vera's, it was my safe habour, my temparory eye of the storm. A safe, calm, happy place I can always count on to be safe, calm and happy. A place i can go to temparory forget. They never failed to to tell me how much I was liked there. And though they had no idea what's wrong with me, they have no doubts when it comes to who's side they're on, MINE.

Thank You
- B -

Understanding

You: "knowing and understanding some one are two very different things"
I have never thought about that. But, now to think of it, i would say that's only partly true.
They're not totally different. To know some one doesnt necessarily mean you understand them. But i would assume you would have to know them first, before you can understand.

You: "Who would you say knows you?"
without a doubt, without missing a beat, I replied: "Tanja, Jocelyn, Jerrick, Frank, Milan, and Sneha. And pretty much in that order of familiarity too." Some are really close calls, some with huge gaps, but if i was to put them in some form of order, i guess that would be it.
But could i tell you with the same confidence and certainty that they also understand me? --No, I could not.
Some of these people being in my life the way they are, is a fiction I Made/Force come true. My only leverage is my presistance and their love for me, for some, it still baffles me to see how much they care.
These people knows me, my moods, my likes/dislikes, my obsessions, my emotions, my hobbies,...
These people knows me, my reaction, my opinions, my decisions, and even my indecisions.
These people knows me, my personality, my career dreams, what i should be doing, what i shouldnt.
Sometimes, these people knows me, better than I know me.

All of these people takes up an important role in my life.
Tanja the Babysitter, Jocelyn the understanding companion, Jerrick the logical rationalist, Frank the solution giver, Milan the supporter, and Sneha the sympathetic listener.
Of course, it is not the only role they each take on in my life, often they take on other ppl's roles and then some.
To say the least, they care about me.

They were there to lend a comforting shoulder, to offer a warm understanding embrace, most important thing of all, the one they proved themselves true time and time again, They were not people i could simply chase away.
Becase they KNOW I need them.
Does that mean they understand me?

When does Knowing become Understanding?

Most of the time i dont understand you and i dare not say I do. But I do want to get to know you, i want to, on some level, understand you. -- If only you would let me.

You: "sometimes communication doesnt help understanding."
I beg to differ.
-- sometimes-- it depends if you want to. Willingness to undersatnd goes a long way.
-- sometimes-- it start with accepting and acknowledging their decisions and actions. As well as respecting it.
-- sometimes-- checking your own emotions, preconceptions, prejudice, and attitude at the door goes with the package.
-- sometimes-- it is pointless to try and understand everything because,
-- sometimes-- even the person themselves may not fully understand why they did, what they did.

Accpeting with no judgement, with a sincere smile, with an open mind, with support and encouragement.

Unconditional love = Understanding (?)
almost sounds like it, doesnt it? -- But then, there's more to it.
I guess, it will have to do, --to start.

A Little More Me, A Little Less Me, Yet I am Still...

Something happened this summer, 

I did Something this summer, 

Something I never wish to repeat

Something I'm not proud of.

But because of this experience, I grew up a little. 

New perspective, New outlook on (lol, not life) men and relationships.

A little more realistic view

A little more scared because of the reality I see

A little more cruel, for my defense mechanism

A little more heartless, because it hurts too much to care.

A little less of that Sandy y'all used to know.

A little less of that Sandy y'all used to pat on the head

A little less of that Sandy y'all used to hug and protect

A little less of that Sandy y'all used to say "she doesn't know, lets keep it that way"

A little less of that Sandy y'all Still to call "Bubbles" -- for many different reasons.

But at the same time, I'm still that Bubbles y'all love and adore. 

(--Dont argue with that phrase, you know, on some level, in some twisted way, with certain definition of Love, y'all love me and adore me. and you care or else you wouldnt be reading this. Am I right?)

I still shut my eyes and cover my ears whenever a scary movie trailer comes on TV.

I still refuse to watch scary movies

I still cry by just watching something as small as a sad music video

I still have to fight back the tears when I see homeless kids on the streets

I still get Very uncomfortable when I have to say "No." or to decline anything that isn't out of politness.

I still pour my heart out to my best friends

I still trust in the goodness of people and their intentions

I still care just a little too much about people.

When it comes to the core and heart of me, no one else could understand me more than y'all.

There are still many things I do not know,

There are still many things I do not understand, 

There are still many things I do not like knowing,

Things that make me uncomfortable, 

Things that make me close my eyes and cover my ears.

But I intend to find out now, stepping out of my comfort zone, 

out of your protection, out of my Bubble

( --Before you jump at the idea, scary movies are still Off Limits.--)

After all that, y'all understand what I'm trying to tell ya? 

No? that's ok. 

The point is, I've changed. (for the better, I hope.) 

But still yours truely.  -- Very much so.

XOXO

- B -

The Unspeakable --One

Studying in UBC have always been... One of my dreams

But studying here... i've come to terms with becoming some one I never knew I COULD become

The Cold hearted bitch to ppl I dont care about / ppl i dislike, but appearently warm and loving at the same time to them.

The plan scheming, self preserving, ppl sabotaging, low-life kind of person i've always been afraid of. those kind of ppl I HATE.

and

I've become one of THEM.

For those of whom knew me from before may be shocked (or not) and wonder where your old Sandy went.

I wonder the same thing....

All i know is that She's scared... she's hating every inch of this new person she is becoming and she dont know how to turn back.

she wants to survive here, to get through without getting hurt, and she see no alternative ways to do this, but become Cold Hearted and Bitter in every way possible.

This came to her as a hammer to the head, when her close friend, presumebly bestfriend here in UBC. chatted with (for convinience sake) GuyA, with friendly gustures, extended invitation and light touches on the arm. only to turn to me at the end of the conversation when the guy had walked away to say, "I Fucken Hate That Guy."  

This stirred up a few thoughts.  first of all... just a couple of days ago she was telling me how she does not miss (in fact she is glad ) that one of her close friends last year didnt come back to UBC this year. 

1st Horrifying thought that i made plans with GuyB that i have no intention to keep.

2nd Horrifying thought, if she could do this with GuyA, and with her close friend, what does she REALLY think of me?

3rd Horrifying thought, i'm a horrible person to even think that she isnt a real friend, but yet. i cant help wondering... and doubting...

My Baby Niece

I am so very happy to be able to meet my baby niece. she is 2 months old and she absolutely adorable. though she is just a baby, i can tell she LOVES me!! she would be all fussy, moving around and all. or she would be annoyed but as soon as i held her she would stop fussing and smile.
when she fuss, i dont mean crying, she doesnt cry that much. such a good baby~
she would just move around a lot when you hold her, or show that she's uncomfortable.

amazing thing is that she sleeps through the night, she would want to be feed at 4a.m. like all babies, but as soon as she's been feed she would go back to bed. making her working parent's life so easy. haha.

I havent seen her for 4 days. i miss her like crazy... i wanna steal her and bring her to canada with me!! wahhaha.

Working like crazy... work is busy and i'm so very tired..., every day!! (sobb.)
this is so not a vacation!!