The Unspeakable --One

Studying in UBC have always been... One of my dreams

But studying here... i've come to terms with becoming some one I never knew I COULD become

The Cold hearted bitch to ppl I dont care about / ppl i dislike, but appearently warm and loving at the same time to them.

The plan scheming, self preserving, ppl sabotaging, low-life kind of person i've always been afraid of. those kind of ppl I HATE.

and

I've become one of THEM.

For those of whom knew me from before may be shocked (or not) and wonder where your old Sandy went.

I wonder the same thing....

All i know is that She's scared... she's hating every inch of this new person she is becoming and she dont know how to turn back.

she wants to survive here, to get through without getting hurt, and she see no alternative ways to do this, but become Cold Hearted and Bitter in every way possible.

This came to her as a hammer to the head, when her close friend, presumebly bestfriend here in UBC. chatted with (for convinience sake) GuyA, with friendly gustures, extended invitation and light touches on the arm. only to turn to me at the end of the conversation when the guy had walked away to say, "I Fucken Hate That Guy."  

This stirred up a few thoughts.  first of all... just a couple of days ago she was telling me how she does not miss (in fact she is glad ) that one of her close friends last year didnt come back to UBC this year. 

1st Horrifying thought that i made plans with GuyB that i have no intention to keep.

2nd Horrifying thought, if she could do this with GuyA, and with her close friend, what does she REALLY think of me?

3rd Horrifying thought, i'm a horrible person to even think that she isnt a real friend, but yet. i cant help wondering... and doubting...