Feelings. Love. Me.

having a love life for all those pretty, sophisticated, sexy, cute girls out there always seem so easy. it's so obvious which kinds of girls guys go for... it's also clear to me, that i'm not one of them. they make average/ below average girls' life so difficult.

i talked to one of my highschool guy friends, he asked me if i think being pretty, sophisticated, sexy or cute is all that matters. i told him that i dont think that it is all that matters. but it seems like guys think that they are of some importance. first impressions seem so important for guys,.. but average/below average firls never make any (let alone good) first impressions for guys. so for us, it is important for guys to know us a bit more, to know what's in the inside.

i love the fact that i was able to go to small size schools because it allow guys in my class to get to know me more. To be able to get use to the guys, to come out comfortable enough to laugh, joke, hang-out, and to some, even share my thoughts and feelings. being able to go out with guys.

though sometimes, i have this feeling that maybe the guys whom i was with, was with me becuase they dont have many other choices. may not be true, but who knows?

a friend told me that for average girls, it's important for us to make friends with guys, to show them what's inside. how them the values within. i asked her what if i dont have any? she told me that's maybe what i think, but it's not true.
Me: is that so?

there are times where i wish i have some one beside me, who i could share my troubles, worries, thoughts, my heart. to have a shoulder to cry on, or to have someone who would call me just to tell me i was missed.

i envy those ppl who always seem so independent. ppl who act as though they dont need a 2nd person to complete them.... where as me, without my friends and ppl who supports me along the way, i feel unstable, incomplete, like a chipped plate.

The closest thing i feel in terms of being loved here in UBC is when i am talking to my highschool friends online. one of them... i dont know what my feelings are towards him, actually, i know what my feelings are, but i'm controlling it.
for him and me, it's impossible. it was impossible back in SSIS, its even more impossible now. i treasure him as a friend, and i never want to lose that, and i wont do anything that would ever risk that.

i am only able to say these things here because i know no one is reading this blog. haha, some may ask me what's the point. well it feels great to let my feelings out... it's killing me inside. ppl may read it. but i know it wouldnt be him. so it wouldnt matter. ppl who read it, well probably knows about most of these things already. maybe not about him, but they wont spoil the secret so no worries there too, ppl who read this blog, are my closest friends, it is time for them to know the truth anyways, i never kept anything from them for so long..